Subconscious Atonement


‘The imagination itself was a source of secrets: once she had begun a story, no one could be told’, believed young Briony Tallis in Ian McEwan’s Atonement.

In fact, the more profound yet more realistic source of secrets is our dreams – the ones that light themselves up vividly when we are lying down unconsciously on our cosy bed at night. They comes to life the way they desire, sprung by a secret source and springs a source of secrets.

While an imagination can be controlled, if we want it to be. Once a dream is begun, no one (even the agent in which the dream originates) could be told. It collects our secret, including those that are yet a secret to ourselves, and create for us a new source of secrets.

He walked up to me and gave me that lingering soft goodbye kiss. With an immense sorrow in his tearful eyes, he turned away… and never looked back. That broad shoulder and that strong back of him I used to lean on during those miserable times in my life were now moving away, but bringing back to me all the moments we had shared.

I held in my tears and pointed a gun in my hand towards the left side of that back. I closed my eyes and pulled the trigger.

The body lying in its blood ahead of me pushed the gun out of my hand. I ran to him, kneeled, and held him up. All the great pressure possible in this earthly world suddenly flooded in my heart, so I let myself cry for the last time.

“How could you do this to me? I loved you”, mouthed him and then be gone… for good.

I woke up with disbelief and shame of what I felt or did in the dream, and asked myself:

How could we atone mistakes we have done in our dream?

Suggested soundtrack: Farewell by Dario Marianelli